I felt so incredibly sluggish today. I had no desire to do much but slowly walk about the office. I did put in a few laps at lunch but other than that I was fairly sedentary.
It was known around the office that I was going to be doing the 10-miler yesterday, I got a lot of questions about it. I shared the mishaps of starting too fast, getting separated but giving it the happily ever after ending of all meeting up together before the finish line to triumphantly make our way across the finish line.
I’m still struggling with my feelings about the team dynamic and my feeling that I didn’t pull my weight, or push my weight as the case may be. I didn’t share these struggles with my co-workers since their sole focus was on how I could possibly run 10 miles to begin with much less with a wheelchair. I felt my internal struggles would be lost on them.
Personally, I felt compelled to help John because I have been in a wheelchair. I have lost my mobility and sense of self, albeit briefly, due to a disease that so changed me. I cannot relate to John and his struggles with ALS. But I can empathize with the situation on some small level. Like I said a few weeks back, I feel like it is partly my personal responsibility to run for those that can’t. I took the race yesterday as a very serious responsibility, I wanted to make sure that I did my part, I felt for various reasons that I hadn’t.
Perhaps it was the dynamic of having one incredibly fast runner with two runners that while quick had different perspectives on the day. Perhaps for me it was being pushed, or told that it was just a little further and we would be done, when I knew that I was already pushing myself. I’m still wrapping my head around the day, I’m sure at some point I will appreciate and be proud of my own role in the day.
Until then, I will just hold in mind the image of John walking across the finish line.