We made it home in record time-6 hours 45 minutes. Frankly we traveled 489 miles in about the same amount of time it took me to complete the 2016 Marine Corps Marathon. Sort of a sad and disheartening thought as I type.
Despite the quick travel time home, I realized as I sat in bed how tried I truly am. Usually when I get that tired I end up with some sort of verbal vomit ailment that results in my thoughts spiraling into some out of control rabbit hole.
As much as I tried to balance my training and family obligations, I feel that my training has a negative impact on Jesi. So much of our life revolves around when I need to train, when and what I can eat, what I can’t eat. While I try to better about things I know that it is usually my go to answer about things when making plans on the weekends. There are scads of humorous memes about the age old what are you doing this weekend question. But for the spouse of the person whose automatic response is “Running of course” it’s not quite as funny.
I so desperately want to improve my time so that my finish time and my driving for a state 5 states away isn’t the same. I want to improve my form and how I feel mentally after completing a race that 7 years ago took me a month to recover from. Sadly in that single mindedness I become selfish. It was inadvertent, I didn’t mean to put my needs/goals/desires above all else.
At the root of that desire is the fact that I have never had a goal that was mine-that I was permitted to see through without some dissuading or “You can’t do that” or some other statement. I can remember my lifetime of dreams about taking part in the Olympics-all kids have that dream I know-but I felt such a pull and a drive to excel in athletics. But I was never given the opportunity to follow out and try, even for a season many of the things I wanted to do.
That wasn’t meant to be a whining or poor me pity party paragraph, but instead an explanation of why I want so badly to do well. I want to achieve something I was told I could never do because I want to see this goal all the way through. I want to improve each year. I want to inspire others to try the sport.
I am not an Olympic athlete-and I feel strange acting as if I am training for the Olympics or somehow are of that caliber. But I will never achieve my goals if I don’t have some degree of confidence that I will make the Olympics-even if my Olympics is a qualifying time for Boston.
Training is selfish especially for a sport that consumes all aspects of life from sleep, nutrition and time management.
I am incredibly grateful that I have an amazing wife that accepts my selfish desire to achieve the seemingly unachieveable. I think that’s why I struggle with my balance because I want to give back to her all the love and support she has given me. I’m not entirely sure she realizes the gravity of the gift she has given me by supporting my wacky goals.
Are there days you feel selfish? How do you handle that?