I surprisingly felt pretty decent for having completed a race and a long run all in one day. I was feeling a bit tired though but physically I felt ok. I enjoyed a quiet day reading and sleeping.
To be honest, the stress with my mom has exhausted me more than training has. The weight of her purposeful silence and cold shoulder is bogging me down. Try as I might, it still takes up space in my head. I feel that I have done nothing wrong (I’m sure her perception of herself) and that my actions-saying that I have a lot planned lets pick an alternative weekend-doesn’t require an apology. After 37 years though I can tell that she is waiting and expecting an apology because I have always apologized. Whether it warranted it or not, I always apologized to appease the situation.
My perception of her reaction is that I am taking time for myself, doing that is right and important for me. To her that is selfish. It is selfish that I take hours out of my week to run. Not because it takes away from my wife or my house or my other adult duties. In her mind, it is selfish because it decreases the amount of time I have for her. Her statement that she has “been kicked to the curb” is hurtful on a multitude of levels. The least of which is that I see her a minimum of twice a week. While they aren’t long extended visits, I am present in her life.
Our relationship has been increasingly tense and strained as the realization that she is no longer the center of the universe. (I know that is an harsh statement, but it is true) I have never been permitted to live my life the way I wanted to. My goals and dreams have been thwarted more often than not but what she thinks and wants. My marathon running and training is no different. Her request and subsequent frustration that I would not drink a beer the night before a long run is an example.
I’m not sure what the solution to this latest issue is. I’m also not sure how much longer I can handle her childish and surly behavior. I am not perfect and as a daughter I have made a number of mistakes, but in this instance I have done nothing more than acted in a way that most parents dream of for their children-independently.
Hopefully my training miles will help me figure out how to move forward. I am incredibly grateful that my wife has been so understanding and helpful-not only as a marathoners wife but as a wife. She has been my rock and I don’t know what I would do without her.